Wednesday, 14 April 2010

A short bit of fiction perhaps...


The ground is hard, but not cold.
Individual shards of road leave their marks on the soles of her feet, mapping her way home. She sways slightly on the pavement, still a little affected by the evening that lays behind her, shoes swinging freely from her nonchalant fingers. The air is still, the sky is partially lightened, the promise of a beautiful day lingers. It is the type of morning that drunkenly emancipated musicians have strummed about for decades and will sing of for years and centuries and millennia to come.
And yet she is blissfully unaware.
Unaware of the gravel worn grooves in her feet, of the slight dampness in her ruffled hair, of the red wine stain kissing her collar. Aware only of the palpable tension inside her head, of the drink-tinged confusion, of the running, the chase, the loss and the reflection. It follows her everywhere. It drags heavy footsteps behind her, watches her shallow breath trickle through her chest, watching it rise and fall through the loose cotton of her clothing. It watches her sleep, wraps itself around her whilst she showers, caressing her skin and worming its way into her damp knotted hair. It descends the stairs on her shoulders, slowly tightening its grip around her slender neck by the minute. It taints every photograph, every memory, every sighting, every familiar song and every significant date. And yet, it's the only thing that ever stays.
The warm summer morning holds such joy for so many, a few houses down a small child stirs somewhere, a young man lies content, watching his sleeping wife, an old man lies smiling warm in his bed, and the sun hits the roofs of the houses and the cars, making them gleam and glimmer as if they were glassy pebbles amongst cascading spring water. Days that begin this way are special indeed.
And Emily and Loneliness walk hand in hand back to whatever sad universe tomorrow holds.

Sunday, 11 April 2010

Friday to Sunday.

If he breaks your heart
I will break his legs
If he takes the piss
I will break his face
If he fucks it up
I will kill him stone cold dead
If he breaks your heart
Will I stand a chance?

I've been listening to this all weekend. It's called "If he breaks your heart" by Jeremy Warmsley and its heartbreakingly beautiful, especially once you look up the lyrics (he doesn't annunciate marvellously at points, but its gorgeous nevertheless.) It's struck a chord with me, for some reason or another.

This weekend varied in good-ness (crude wording, but whatever.) I jollied off to Lakeside with my mother and sister on Friday (prompting the frequent use of the "What's an Essex girl's favourite wine/whine?" "I wanna go Lakesiiiiiide" by my ever witty father) to pick my sister out a prom dress (she's approaching the end of year 11.) As strange as it may seem, I really enjoy "road-trips" to infrequently / never before visited locations. I like to travel unfamiliar roads and stuff, and I took a little video of the motorway, and photos of my feet, and the back of my sisters chair, and things like that. Just because it kept me amused. On the whole it was a good day, asides from being a little dull waiting for Helen to try things on (see the bored child below - I was admiring my new sandals in a pathetic vain girly way) and the fact that we had pizza for lunch and I'm lactose intolerant so felt unwell for about 2 hours afterwards.However, I saw someone (who shall remain unnamed) that I didn't expect to see just as we were leaving Lakeside. And as per usual, he either didn't see me or ignored my presence. And as per usual, it ruined my day. Its funny how you force your life to move on from something, and then the smallest thing like that can make you feel so tiny and insignificant, the way it always does, and you fear it always will. And just like that, a seemingly good day turned into a sad one, and there was nothing I could do to make it better. However, I was mildly cheered up on the way home buy this gem on the M25...

My mother suggested that instead his numberplate should have been "TO55A" as he drove like one, but she did accelerate when asked so that I could photograph the numberplate from a close-up range, probably out of guilt for yelling at me because I jokingly asked if I could try some crazy shoes on whilst waiting for my sister...

SATURDAY
Was nothing special.
It started by having allergic reaction to some fake tan at my first saturday job, the soap shop LUSH. It looked lovely and brown on my arm, until all of a sudden it started to burn, and my arm went all red and lumpy. Not so "summer sexy." Then I met my sister when I finished work, and we went and sat by the River Chelmer and ate chinese and enjoyed the sun. And I mockingly threw a sandwich into the river, and then accidentally did, so climbed over the wooden rail to carefully get it back as I was afraid that a duck might try and eat the sandwich, and choke on the plastic wrapper, and in the process got some nasty nettle stings that are still on my lower legs now (I'm writing this on a sunday evening...) Me and Helen don't really hang out much outside of the house, especially not without fighting, so it was nice to spend time together and laugh lots and discover that our chinese containers were microwaveable, silly things like that. Then I went back to work, at my second job (I'm a barmaid.) That was less dull than usual, I left on time (ish) and went home to do a quick ink and water drawing of my sister for my art coursework. As I said, nothing special.

SUNDAY
It started, and will inevitably end with tears.
Hysterical, uncontrolled sobbing at the breakfast table, fortunately without any siblings present, just two concerned parents and a mess that vaguely resembled me.
It happens now and again, I just let everything out, because I've lost the ability to cry. I mean, of course I cry every now and then, I shed a small tear at a film or something trivial, but i can't REALLY cry about it. And this morning I did. Because I was sad, and lonely, and angry. About so many things I couldn't even begin to explain to the two confused adults sat across the kitchen from me. Then I went to work, and got steadily drunker as the afternoon progressed, but not in a bad way. There was live music on at the pub, and everyone seemed cheerful, and there was no place for my sadness, so I put it in a box and got on with it, sometimes you just have to.


Thursday, 8 April 2010

dying rose.


It is what it is.
I just liked this particular photo, and the way the dying white rose contrasts with the other flowers around it. No fancy wording, just liked the image. Now I just have to find some way of linking my mother's dying vase of flowers to my art project...

Next Year

So, this year has been spent mainly thinking about next year, which is ironic in a way because by planning next year in such great detail we have all argubly lost a year in the process. I'm pretty much sorted, as are most people, which is great because its one less thing to worry about. But at the same time I really don't want it to come. Of course I can't wait to move on with my life and put myself out there, its inevitable and a rite of passage of sorts, but everytime I think about all the people I'm not going to see every day it tears me apart a little. Perhaps because of the lack of security, or the fear of the unknown, going somewhere where I know absolutely noone, but I just don't feel ready to let go of what I've got right here yet.

It's so easy to say "Oh yeah of course we'll stay in touch" or "We're in the same city, we'll be just as close," but how easy is it going to be to keep up with that. Several of my friends are going to the same university, and I envy them that because they'll be able to stay just as close, and see each other every day or every other day if they want to. I don't really have that luxury, as I'm living at home next year, and deep down I'm just a little bit terrified of going off to this strange place every day and not fitting in, and being unbearably lonely. Undeniably everything is going to change next year, some things in a good way and some things perhaps not. I'm in a long-term relationship and I have absolutely no idea whether its going to work out, and I think that whatever happens, there is no stopping the fact that at some point at least one, if not both of us is going to get hurt in some way, if only by the separation.

But for now, I just hope that I can spend the summer making the most of every minute with the friends I have at the moment, because as much as none of us want to think about it, for some of us it may be the last time we spend a lot of time all together. And that's what gets me. There are certain individuals who the thought of not seeing on a regular basis really gets to me. But in a wau I guess I'm just incredibly lucky to have found friends that I feel that way about.