Thursday, 5 August 2010

Long Time No See

Hello, I suppose the title is relevant.
It's not that I've been avoiding you, sometimes it's more like I'm avoiding me.
It always seems to start between us with "Long Time No See"
And then escalates into this mess
So we just start again
Over. And Over. And Over.
We could keep doing this until we're 30
One of us will cop off with someone else and the other will be left wishing
Like we always are.

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

I'm late.

I was supposed to be at work 10 minutes ago.
Shame my parents have just gone out and forgotten really.
Shame it's a 20 minute drive away.
Shame I won't get dinner again, because, surprise surprise, there's no food around.
Shame my boss is grumpy enough anyway, and now I'm going to deal with an even worse mood for 6 hours, if I ever get there.
The last 8 days have been so confusing. I feel like my head's screwed on backwards and upside down.
I hate men.
They all lie to win over eachother and pinch the girls their friends like and manipulate things and bitch and get you drunk to try their luck. Every fucking one of them.
I'm so angry.
Also, I hallucinated the other night and thought I was kissing the devil.
Goodbye sanity.

Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Happy Wednesday

As days go, I'm liking this one a fair amount.
Maths is over, thus stress is over.
I'm wandering around in a tshirt and a pair of boxers, gradually working my way through a tub of Ben and Jerry's.
I opened a carton of soup for lunch, didn't realise how much soup there actually was, and my sister forced me to drink the entire 600ml of tomatoey mush, thus consuming 4 of my 5 a day.
And I terrorised my mother by sliding my nose piercing in and out, making her squirm.
I have a good playlist on, it's sunny, what's to be sad about?
Short, and sweet.

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

Dear Friend.

Yesterday I broke your heart. And inadvertently, without realising it at the time, I broke mine too. And now you hate me, and all I want is to have you back. I didn't realise exactly how much you meant to me, and how much I needed you, until I let you go.
But I can't find it in myself to ask for you back. It seems too cruel.
Because a few months down the line I'll be gone, and this would just happen all over again.
And I can't do that.
You won't even read this, but I just needed to say that I miss you.
And I'm so, so sorry.

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

A short bit of fiction perhaps...


The ground is hard, but not cold.
Individual shards of road leave their marks on the soles of her feet, mapping her way home. She sways slightly on the pavement, still a little affected by the evening that lays behind her, shoes swinging freely from her nonchalant fingers. The air is still, the sky is partially lightened, the promise of a beautiful day lingers. It is the type of morning that drunkenly emancipated musicians have strummed about for decades and will sing of for years and centuries and millennia to come.
And yet she is blissfully unaware.
Unaware of the gravel worn grooves in her feet, of the slight dampness in her ruffled hair, of the red wine stain kissing her collar. Aware only of the palpable tension inside her head, of the drink-tinged confusion, of the running, the chase, the loss and the reflection. It follows her everywhere. It drags heavy footsteps behind her, watches her shallow breath trickle through her chest, watching it rise and fall through the loose cotton of her clothing. It watches her sleep, wraps itself around her whilst she showers, caressing her skin and worming its way into her damp knotted hair. It descends the stairs on her shoulders, slowly tightening its grip around her slender neck by the minute. It taints every photograph, every memory, every sighting, every familiar song and every significant date. And yet, it's the only thing that ever stays.
The warm summer morning holds such joy for so many, a few houses down a small child stirs somewhere, a young man lies content, watching his sleeping wife, an old man lies smiling warm in his bed, and the sun hits the roofs of the houses and the cars, making them gleam and glimmer as if they were glassy pebbles amongst cascading spring water. Days that begin this way are special indeed.
And Emily and Loneliness walk hand in hand back to whatever sad universe tomorrow holds.

Sunday, 11 April 2010

Friday to Sunday.

If he breaks your heart
I will break his legs
If he takes the piss
I will break his face
If he fucks it up
I will kill him stone cold dead
If he breaks your heart
Will I stand a chance?

I've been listening to this all weekend. It's called "If he breaks your heart" by Jeremy Warmsley and its heartbreakingly beautiful, especially once you look up the lyrics (he doesn't annunciate marvellously at points, but its gorgeous nevertheless.) It's struck a chord with me, for some reason or another.

This weekend varied in good-ness (crude wording, but whatever.) I jollied off to Lakeside with my mother and sister on Friday (prompting the frequent use of the "What's an Essex girl's favourite wine/whine?" "I wanna go Lakesiiiiiide" by my ever witty father) to pick my sister out a prom dress (she's approaching the end of year 11.) As strange as it may seem, I really enjoy "road-trips" to infrequently / never before visited locations. I like to travel unfamiliar roads and stuff, and I took a little video of the motorway, and photos of my feet, and the back of my sisters chair, and things like that. Just because it kept me amused. On the whole it was a good day, asides from being a little dull waiting for Helen to try things on (see the bored child below - I was admiring my new sandals in a pathetic vain girly way) and the fact that we had pizza for lunch and I'm lactose intolerant so felt unwell for about 2 hours afterwards.However, I saw someone (who shall remain unnamed) that I didn't expect to see just as we were leaving Lakeside. And as per usual, he either didn't see me or ignored my presence. And as per usual, it ruined my day. Its funny how you force your life to move on from something, and then the smallest thing like that can make you feel so tiny and insignificant, the way it always does, and you fear it always will. And just like that, a seemingly good day turned into a sad one, and there was nothing I could do to make it better. However, I was mildly cheered up on the way home buy this gem on the M25...

My mother suggested that instead his numberplate should have been "TO55A" as he drove like one, but she did accelerate when asked so that I could photograph the numberplate from a close-up range, probably out of guilt for yelling at me because I jokingly asked if I could try some crazy shoes on whilst waiting for my sister...

SATURDAY
Was nothing special.
It started by having allergic reaction to some fake tan at my first saturday job, the soap shop LUSH. It looked lovely and brown on my arm, until all of a sudden it started to burn, and my arm went all red and lumpy. Not so "summer sexy." Then I met my sister when I finished work, and we went and sat by the River Chelmer and ate chinese and enjoyed the sun. And I mockingly threw a sandwich into the river, and then accidentally did, so climbed over the wooden rail to carefully get it back as I was afraid that a duck might try and eat the sandwich, and choke on the plastic wrapper, and in the process got some nasty nettle stings that are still on my lower legs now (I'm writing this on a sunday evening...) Me and Helen don't really hang out much outside of the house, especially not without fighting, so it was nice to spend time together and laugh lots and discover that our chinese containers were microwaveable, silly things like that. Then I went back to work, at my second job (I'm a barmaid.) That was less dull than usual, I left on time (ish) and went home to do a quick ink and water drawing of my sister for my art coursework. As I said, nothing special.

SUNDAY
It started, and will inevitably end with tears.
Hysterical, uncontrolled sobbing at the breakfast table, fortunately without any siblings present, just two concerned parents and a mess that vaguely resembled me.
It happens now and again, I just let everything out, because I've lost the ability to cry. I mean, of course I cry every now and then, I shed a small tear at a film or something trivial, but i can't REALLY cry about it. And this morning I did. Because I was sad, and lonely, and angry. About so many things I couldn't even begin to explain to the two confused adults sat across the kitchen from me. Then I went to work, and got steadily drunker as the afternoon progressed, but not in a bad way. There was live music on at the pub, and everyone seemed cheerful, and there was no place for my sadness, so I put it in a box and got on with it, sometimes you just have to.


Thursday, 8 April 2010

dying rose.


It is what it is.
I just liked this particular photo, and the way the dying white rose contrasts with the other flowers around it. No fancy wording, just liked the image. Now I just have to find some way of linking my mother's dying vase of flowers to my art project...